I heard,read,talked about the covid
pandemic, till it hit home. Till I exeprienced it myself it was something that
would happen to someone else, not me. Denial helps us to keep anxiety at bay
but denial also keeps reality at bay.
First when my 78 years old father was diagnosed as covid positive, l
already developed my first bout of fever
spike. Getting a bed for my father was a task in itself , with me lying in the
back seat of the car shivering with chills, helpless, not knowing whether my
father would be shifted from a non-covid to a covid hospital or what awaits me
in the next 20 days.
With admission of my father in a a covid hospital, and simultaneously my
symptomatic condition progressing, slowly time started seeming unreal. Father's
condition was deteriorating and mine too. My husband, Sujit transformed our
bedroom to ICU. Talking to physician friends, whose immense help and guidance
helped him to sustain me at home for almost 9 days. Then on the 10th day, my
condition deteriorated. I was in such a fogged state of mind with my father's
condition going downhill and my own general medical condition seeming to go
downhill. Finally sujit decided to get me admitted. He and his close friend
drove me around in the car calling doctors, friends anf acquantainces in search
of a bed for at least 6 hours . I was sitting like a dead body in the car
listening to the concersations these two were making trying desperately for a bed Finally a friend (Dr Vikrant Shah) managed to
secure a bed in Surana hospital in chembur. I remember myself sitting at at
around 2 am or so, on a chair at the hospital gate, totally unaware what part
of Mumbai it would be. Iin the darkness and
silence of the night I wondered if I would just probably sit there
forever. Sujit did the formalities of
getting me admitted. As no relative was allowed inside the hospital premises,
finally a wardboy escorted me inside the hospital, leaving behind my dear ones,
as if I am entering some unknown strange place totally secluded from the rest
of the world. I turned back to Sujit and
our friend again and again and bade them goodbye with weak gestures till they
disappeared from my sight.
The moment I entered the hospital building
at around 3 am, a ppe donned exhausted doctor standing at thhe elevator enquired
about me. He took my history in short, and that was the first time I realised i
could not speak a word without getting breathless. I had not spoken for so many
days due to fever, bodycahe, dullness that I didn't realise that I was
breathless. The doctor patted my shoulder and said not to worry, told the
wardboy to take me to my room, told me he would meet me in the morning.
It was around 3:30 am. 27th may 2020
I was kept in a single room. The staff
came, put iv, checked all my parameters, took blood for testing. The rmo Dr.
Vikas came and attended to me. It all seemed unreal. I was put on oxygen. That
morning I tried to sleep but couldn't,
but felt safe that I was in a hospital.
From next day onwards, as things started
sinking in, as I got more aware of my breathlessness,I started assimilating
things around me, inside me, my being
alone in a hospital , with no one by my side, with no one to hold my hand, no
one to put hand on my forehead, an altogether different reality started
developing. And the last straw on camel's back was the news that my dad passed
away.
I felt the gravity of one singular reality,
being alone, unable to breath, face to face with death,my dad's, my own. As
evening light seeped through the huge window of my hospital room, I started
experiencing darkness more intently than ever. Light was sustaining me to face
my fears in the daytime but as night approached, the fear of death and darkness
would a start a dance in my mind ,an eternal dance of life and death.
My ears would crave for the slightest human
existence around me. The staff going about
doing their tasks outside, someone talking down the road, someone's
steps approaching my room. I realised how important human company is,
especially in a situation where uncertainty rules and one is on the verge of life and death and
all alone. That night I sudeenly woke up startled, at around 1 am and panicked.
The oxygen mask , my saviour seemed like someone holding my mouth, not allowing
me to breathe. A panic attack...I called the nurse and the staff of the
hospital stood beside me holding my hand and I shall never forget that
comforting touch ever in my life. The staff was in ppe, I didn't know the
person, I knew only one thing, I have someone to hold my hand when my morale,
mental strength, physical strength had hit rock bottom. All barriers of self
and other disappeared. A feeling of calm dawned upon me.
My treating doctor Dr Sameer had been so
encouraging throughout my journey that I cannot thank him enough. He himself
used to be exhausted when he would come at around11 pm for his rounds. But
relentlessly, without a frown of
irritation or annoyance he would encourage me to do the prone awake position to
improve the perfusion of lower parts of lungs, guide me through the progress I
am making and then talk to Sujit on phone to give him the updates of my
progress. What a blessing he had been
through out this journey I made! I ssurrendered myself to my doctor. I trusted
that whatever he would do would be the best for me and i don't have to worry
about any medical apsects of mine. In fact, I deleted the fact from my mind
that I am a doctor. I was just a sick living being wishing to live. I experienced first hand how doctors are the
frontline warriors in this pandemic along with
their team of nursing staff. How their lives need to be protected with
right protective gears and why it is so necessary for the concerned
authorities to provide them with the
utmost care and protection.The nobility of the profession struck me really hard
and respect for my fraternity grew
multifold.
As I was suspended in the interim of life
and death, the most striking realisation was that of kindness. How much love
and kindness the world is filled with! People came forward to provide us with
any support we needed, friends went out of the way to provide us with help in a
very difficult lockdown situation, the hospital staff, right from the wardboys,
mavshis, nursing staff, the canteen, the doctors took the responsibly of not
only their respective tasks but went ahead beyond the call of their duty to keep the morale of patient up so that they
don't lose hope.
How each every and every fibre of the
fabric needs every other fibre to hold the fabric of humanity!
Gradually as blended with the surroundings,
I started rooting myself in my one and half year long insight meditation
practice. The mindfullnes practice teaches to witness everything eight in this
moment, as it is, without judging. I started centering myself in the present
moment, just witnessing what is happening niw. If i an breathless now, i am
breathless. If ihace pain, i hace pain. If I am scared, I am scared. Nothing
less, nothing more. Buddha's words used to ring in my heart 'In what is seen,
there is just the seen. In what is heard, there is just the heard. In what is
sensed, there is just the sensed. In what is thought, there is just the
thought'. I held dearly to this 2500 years old wisdom. It's nit that I was not scared, at times, fear did
step in, but I was no longer scared of fear. Mind used to wander, chatter,
think about untoward consequences but I used just witness those and not draw any conslusions from that. I was
being in the rawness of the present moment, not bothered about what arises in
it. What arises, passes away.
It was a nightmare but it taught me more
than a pleasant dream. It taught me about the kindness each one of us carries
inside us, all the tilme, about
compassion, an innate human trait, an absolute contrary picture that we
are made to believe in today's times
that world has lost love and kindness.
Humans shall survive this pandemic greatly
because of it's ability to reach out and help others with kindness and
compassion, and that's an absolute need
of the hour.
It's
my humble appeal to each and every person to be responsible about one's
own life as well as life of others, to stay safe themselves and help those who
are in need.
It's in the worst of times that the best in
humanity shines through the darkness and brightens up the world.
This pandemic may be the worst the world
has seen in a century but I am also hopeful
that this pandemic will see the best in the human species, the common singular
foundation of which rests in kindness and compassion. And I am sure there would
be many individuals like me all over the world who would have witnessed
kindness in their own life right through all the uncertainty of sickenss, dying
and death and would carry the light of kindness ahead to brighten up other's
lives.
I write this as I await my discharge from
the hospital in a day's time. I have been off oxygen mask since more than a day now, without any discomfort or
breathlessness. Sice three days cyclone Nisarga had changed the weather and
from my window, I watched gushing winds, a downpour, grey skies. Today I look
out the window, my only bridge to nature outside, and see bright warm sunlight
hugging the trees, water-drenched leaves reflecting golden light, butterflies
fluttering around merrily and a magpie robin singing. The cyclical nature of
rain and sun, pain and pleasure reminded me of one thing, the joy of life.
Post-discharge
After coming back home and settling in the
small comforts of home, I realised that I am not all well yet. I am able to do
my daily tasks but breathing is still a bit laboured. I am continuing
spirometry exercises. I have started my daily meditation practice. I have started doing breathing
exercises like pursed breathing exercise and abdominal breathing exercise. I am
eating well, resting well, sleeping well
and taking the medicines prescribed by doctors. I am allowing my body to heal,
keeping my mind calm. Now things will
take it's own course slowly. Our body has it's
own innate intelligence, what Alan Watts calls "innate intelligence
of an organism". If we don't meddle
with it too much, and if we listen to our body and mind quietly and calmly,
this 'intelligence' helps us at every step.
No comments:
Post a Comment